When to say no
Have you ever:
Committed to doing something that you later regretted?
Felt resentful that you were the one doing all the work?
Realised after committing that you really didn't have the time?
You may think that everyone has this happen to them but actually, they don't. As is evidenced by the fact that you're always the one who gets roped in and everyone else seems to disappear!
One of the traits of Kansti personalities is that we enjoy being able to help which makes us a positive delight to be around. But, we need to learn to be as mindful of ourselves as we are of others. That urge to help can lead us, in extreme circumstances, to commit to things we later resent. This is not good for us or for the person we are resentfully helping because they rightfully believe that we said we’d help. Any negative undertones from us won’t make sense to them especially if they are a different personality type to us because they wouldn’t even think of saying yes to something they weren’t completely on board with so why would you? (And if you are a Kansti personality you know exactly how and why you say yes to things!).
At the less extreme end of this spectrum, we may simply not have the time and energy to give what we want to both the situation and our own priorities.
If you’re anything like me, both of these things happen to you fairly regularly.
So what do we do about it? Here are some strategies to help you.
YOUR MAGIC ‘HOLDING PHRASE’
As I mentioned in a previous article, if you are ever asked to do anything your response needs to be:
THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF ME FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY. I WILL CHECK MY DIARY AND GET BACK TO YOU
It is easy to say yes in the moment and end up being stuck doing something that we’ve committed to that we don’t have the capacity for. By saying the magic phrase, we give ourselves time and space to make a measured decision.
WHEN SHOULD I SAY NO?
The problem is that as Kansti personalities we love to help so it’s our instinct. We’ve bought ourselves some thinking time by ‘checking our diary’ so now what? When should you say no? Here are some suggestions:
If it doesn’t align with your plan
You need to be clear on your priorities and whether what you’ve been asked fits into this. (This is something that you will get super clear on in the Kansti Program, I’ll guide you through setting this so you know exactly what your focus is)
If you have a gut feeling about it
IF IT’S NOT AN ABSOLUTE YES IT’S A NO
If you feel pressure to say yes but you’re not sure or don’t want to
If you really think about it, you know the signs for you. The more you end up saying yes to things that you later regret the better you’ll be at spotting this pattern and breaking it.
BUT WHAT IF FEAR IS GETTING IN THE WAY OF A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR ME?
This is such a great question. And a lack of clarity is often rooted in letting the mind take charge! Our thoughts and fears can mask and override our gut feelings. Here are some ways that work for me to access this intuition again.
TAKE SOME TIME BEFORE RESPONDING
We can get caught up in the moment so saying ‘I’ll check my diary and get back to you’ gives you some breathing space without the person that asked you standing in front of you!
ASK YOURSELF AND THEN FORGET
Think about whether you want to do it or not and then move on to doing something else. Let your unconscious mind work on the problem. When you come back to thinking about it it is likely you’ll have some insights that you didn’t have before and you often know the answer. You may have heard people say ‘sleep on it’ and there is actually good psychological evidence that our brain is processing our experiences and thoughts from the day. The next day we are better rested and our mind will have had processing time to bring some clarity.
CHECK YOUR PLAN
Does this activity align with what you want to do for yourself and your business?
DOES IT SOUND LIKE FUN?
Is this something that deep down you really want to do but fear is coming up? If so, is there a way you can take a small step into it rather than having to leap? If so, do that!
REMEMBER
WHEN YOU SAY NO TO ONE THING, YOU CAN SAY YES TO SOMETHING YOU’RE REALLY EXCITED ABOUT
Real success in any area of our life takes focus. If we can focus our attention and not end up scattered we can do great things. So a question to ask is, if I do this, what else will I drop to give me the time and energy? Does this feel like a good trade-off?
WHEN YOU SAY NO, YOU GIVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO SOMEONE ELSE
We are empathetic people and can, at times, have a bit of a saviour complex! I am talking from personal experience here. So we can get into the mindset of - well if I don’t help this will leave the other person in a difficult situation. But, when we say no it means that someone else has the opportunity to step in and perhaps the opportunity is perfect for them.